exams over...one semester done...happy HOLIDAYS!!!

Time flies! It's really quite unnoticeable that one semester has officially ended. It's been a long, long one...although it was actually just more or less 3 months. It was a lot of hard work, long days, and late nights which ended up with the 4 huge files on my desk now. Now that they have all been examined in the papers, it's a great relief.

The OSCE just now was tough, as expected. I didn't complete my wound cleaning, which was pretty much in a mess. And I can't believe I was rushing through the question on lesion when I could have better my answer if I did structure it well enough. The worst was the history taking for the patient with palpitations. Gosh! I was just out of ideas on what to ask. Obviously, I need more improvement in the future. Once again, learning from mistakes...

Oh well, now that exam is over, all I can do is pray for my results to turn out well. Since exam is already history, I'll just put that at the back of my head and I shall really need to rest and relax to revitalise myself for the next semester. This, I guess is one of my concept in what Mr Nyiau would call the 'Art of War'.

I've got pretty much an overview of what I'm actually going to do until 9th January. Hmmm...most importantly, I need TENNIS! Tina's back and we've promised to blast, blast and blast! Oh yeah, I'll do some yoga, swimming, gym and badminton too. My resolution for this holiday: to be darker, fitter, tone up, lose some weight and not forgetting working on my SSM. I haven't even started on anything for SSM. I really need to work hard at it. I guess it'll take a huge part of the holiday...I need to visit my assigned patient also. Seems like not much time to rest huh? Hehe...that's what I get as a medical student. But it's all worth it =]

Actually, I just came back from Naz's open house. It was great meeting Naz, Faiq, Sulhi and Diing. Haven't seen them since July. We had a long, nice talk with Auntie and Uncle as well. It's great catching up with everybody. I guess the next time would be when they're working in KB...maybe in like 2 weeks' time.

Right now, I feel pretty much drained. I'm very tired but at the same time excited that the holiday has officially begun! I need to pay back my sleeping hours now and head back to KB tomorrow...

Good night!

FOUR down, ONE more to go!

So glad that the theory part of Health Science is over. Paper 1 was on Monday and yesterday, I had my Paper 2. One word to describe them all: TOUGH!

I don't think I can do well this time. I've worked like a week for the 2 papers, but I guess it takes more experience to do the exam flawlessly on first attempt. No time for checking and all...Exam tactic to learn for next time. I also missed out too much details which I thought was not that important. Numbers, risks, drug names...and the list goes on...

Just hope I have luck with me this time, although having realised that I've made a whole lot of mistakes especially in Paper 1. Nevertheless, on a positive note, I'll take this as a lesson for the future. It's the first semester; so I shall learn what I've not done that well. I believe in learning it the hard way.

One more paper this Saturday. It's the OSCE! This time we'll have 15 stations to go through. It should be tough. I really need to practise and better myself the whole day tomorrow. Oh well, I hope I can do well in this and make up for Papers 1 and 2. Wish me luck!

I've actually just came back from IM. Practised some patient care stuffs with Sonia, Sarah and Dila. It was really helpful and I hope it's a good start to make me begin revising my Patient Care skills. On my way back, the street lights were all off from the Tungku Link road until the fly-over. The black-out was quite scary really, especially on the wet road after the heavy downpour. Glad that the lights starting from the Gadong area were on.

Hmmm...Can't wait for exams to be over. I'm going to play lots of tennis for the whole month! Hopefully, I can lose some weight and of course become fitter before next semester. I'm looking forward to meeting with everyone too. Those who were supposed to come back are mostly back. And although all of us are in UBD, we seldom meet, really...hope to meet up and catch up with all my friends =]

That's all for now...It's Naz's open house on Saturday and I'm excited to see the Sydney gang again. A lot of catching up to do! And yup, Uncle Chee's open house on Sunday. Lots of good eating times...Hehe.

Cheers...

MIB over!

Yehaaa...Real glad that MIB is over. Just sat for the MIB paper this morning. It's really tiring. Imagine writing 10 essays, dealing with 2 paragraphs of Jawi and 20 MCQs...my hands were really on the verge of cramping. Luckily I managed to finished just in time.

I don't think I can score in this paper. But I just want to get a fairly good mark to get enough credits for the degree. Oh well...at least the only Malay part of the course is over. Hope that I do do well.

I'll need to get my head off the MIB part, so I can concentrate on my Health Science. I've got 2 more thick files to learn. And what more, this Wednesday, we'll be given 2 seen cases. It's information overload really!

Alright then, I'll leave the blog at this point. Wish me luck for my other papers!

Cheers!!!

Exam soon!

I guess it's been quite a while since I've posted. It's really hectic with all the things to do...Hope I can cope, especially with the semester exam coming right up next week.

It's worrying how lazy I'm getting. Oh well...I think I better get my engine started soon and gear it all up for the exam. 3 BIG files to study...How's that?!

I better get off to do some work now. I think I'll be blogging after the exams. Hope it'll be more happening with so many back from where they went for study.

Wish me luck for the exams! Take care all...

Cheers =]

More eXciting stuffs

The past few weeks have been really busy, but rather productive. Well, there were just lots of new things to learn and a lot were very useful, maybe like an overview of the clinical practice.

One major thing was the amazing experience in the Operating Theatre. I and my group had the chance to witness a few surgeries live, as in we were just inches away from the incised area. And when I was next to the first surgery, which was a breast lumpectomy, one artery was cut and blood was oozing around. Imagine the artery behaving like a snake, with the blood squirting all over, some even touched my shoes.

The second one was rather more like a complete mastectomy since the lump was like 3-4inches in diameter. My heart just sunk when I saw the patient's breast. I just hope more women out there can be more aware about what's happening in their breasts. It's just mind-blowing for somebody to keep a lump for 2 years, making it malignant at the time she presented the lesion. It just saddened my mood of the day. She must have her reasons, but for such a young lady, it's rather depressing. My message to women out there: do your Self-Breast Examination and don't hesitate to contact doctors if there's anything different. Some lumps are benign when detected early; otherwise, if left, they can become cancerous.

Enough said of those factual stuffs, I just hope I have reached some people out there.

Hmmm...well, it was a fun night out last Saturday. It was my little cousin Justin's 1st birthday and also my now 16th year old cousin Michelle's birthday party. Had a great splash with the bouncer. Good food...some drinks and not forgetting BBQ. Nice break after a week's hard work.

Oh yeah, I had my first class of yoga! It was tougher than I expected. But I really do enjoy the session. It's hard to describe what happened, but it was a mind-pleasing meditation session. I'm up for more yoga lessons now. Excited for more now...

Now, I'm having a long weekend break I have some plans but well, basically some relaxing. Sure thing is tennis. It's been a while since I last swam. So, maybe some swimming. Not forgetting working out; that's if I've got the mood. Hehe... Oh yeah, some badminton too.

I guess so far that's it. A lot more had happened, but I'm tired now. I'll go do some midnight cooking now.

Take care everyone. Cheers!

Updates...

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been really occupied...So much research to do, assignments due, exams coming up this Wednesday, SSM starting +++ Oh well, life as a medical student. I shall perservere.

I'm actually in IM right now. It's a Sunday and I am stuck right here for a private PBL with Sarah, Nellie, Sonia, Hsien and Chun to discuss on Acute Pancreatitis. Haha... What nerds we are! But it's all good. At least we are trying to work hard for the case and have a proper study group discussion.

There's nothing much over these few days really. Just a lot of research and readings to do to catch up on the cases. They just keep coming. I'm really looking forward to a short break. Hehe... Anyways, after the workshop by Dr Kumar yesterday, I feel somewhat a bit relieved and I'm learning to learn from him. I'll work more on that after the exams.

Otherwise, university life as a medical student has been great. I enjoy what I'm studying and most importantly, the clinical sessions have been simply wonderful. I look forward to starting the SSM session as I'll be sort of getting my 'first' patient. Hehe =]

It's time for PBL now... Will be blogging when I have the time. Cheers!

Overloaded...

The essence of university life is kicking in right now. I can really feel the pressure of a medical student, especially this week, with the Medical Law assignment due tomorrow and having a lot of information research to catch up with. A bit stressed, but I shall try my best to perform.

Had a good a feedback session with my fellow peers and the Deputy Dean of IM yesterday. I reckon it was really a comprehensive, though informal way of expressing how we feel about the course so far. I am actually really pleased in seeing how the faculty has been constantly trying their best to satisfy our needs and respond to our comments. A lot of gratitute to them... And of course not forgetting that it is really nice to have the keys to the PBL base rooms. It's given us a lot of freedom to study and socialise! ;o)

Maybe I shall list the stuffs I need to cover before I start to forget. Firstly, I really need to update all my histology worksheets. I really agree that it has not been done well as told by our coordinator. Next, having high priority would be my research for PBL on Saturday. I have tonnes to do on the hepatobiliary system. Must really start diving into those anatomy and physiology textbooks soon. Certainly, there are the notes that I shall need to clarify and consolidate. It's all not in a good order yet. And not forgetting lots of rehearsals for my Patient Care skills. Can't wait to talk to my first patient and of course highly excited about the SSM. I should really prepare myself well. The list goes on...

Oh yeah, I lost my wallet last Saturday night. It was really annoying as I couldn't really remember how it got lost. It could have been dropped or even misplaced anywhere. Well, I took the trouble of having to report to the police for the lost wallet, and of course more importantly the lost documents. Fortunately, on Monday my wallet was finally found!!!

How excited and exhilarated I was. I shall really thank the 3 guys who picked it up in the Panaga Club and handed it over to the security guards. They were Ak. Muhd. Hanii Marzqqi, Md. Azim and Md. Hafiz who were there last Sunday. I really do appreciate their kindness and honesty. More so, not a single thing was lost from the wallet. They really do deserve my respect and praise. Thanks so much...

Oh well, I'm sort of tired actually since I decided to play badminton just now. Came home at only about 10.30pm. I shall really need to reorganise myself soon and get things sorted out. Time management is a bit out of place. Tomorrow will be a pretty short day. I'll be going back to KB after tennis ECA, and hopefully make good use of the 2 days break.

Hope things go as planned. I shall really need to motivate myself to work harder. More work to come...

Take care, everyone!

Joy!

It's getting on verywell now for me. I really do enjoy my course. Though there's lots of work to do, which means long, long hours, there's a lot happening.

The best part of it is that we are all learning things through research, and later sharing information through discussion. There are a lot of workshop sessions and also visits to certain places. Last week, during the pratical session, we disected a rat. It was really interesting for me as this is virtually my first disection. I got to see, touch and feel most of the internal organs of the poor white rat. But learning hands-on this time is really effective, I must say. It was also my first time wearing the blue lab coat!

Of course, we had a visit to the Ong Sung Ping Health Centre and the Berakas Smoking Cessation Unit. This was where I, for the first time, get to wear the white coat in a health clinic. It really means a lot to me. An awesome feeling...a sense of satisfaction and achievement! I had to act as a patient for Dila during the session. I must really apologise to her for I was such a naughty "patient". I was acting like what most of my audience say, "PCK". Haha... Had a really good laugh that day.

Well, Week 3 came along. As usual, classes went on. Nothing much really. But there's more research going on as we got a new topic 'Exercise' for this week's PBL. Something interesting; getting to know muscles and how they work basically. Not forgetting is our great show for Thursday's powerpoint presentation. I was working with Dila, Nadiah, Farah and Chong Hsien. I can't really describe how much screaming, laughing and shouting there was even whilst preparing for the presentation. Expectedly, we had a tremendous laughing session especially with Farah's modelling and Chong Hsien's acting. Hahaha...

It's getting late now. I shall sleep as I have to drive up to UBD tomorrow. It's tiring, but I really needed time in Panaga for a 'release'. Till next time...

p.s. Zoe, if you are reading this one, CONGRATULATIONS for getting into IMU. I'm really happy for you. Finally, you get to do something which you aimed for. Good on you!

Congratulations also for Bel, MC, Amir, Aqilah and Billy for getting the government scholarship. Well done!

Not forgetting my good old friend Alvina, who's going into OXFORD! Nerd!!! jk...LOL. I'm actually overjoyed for you. Excellent...Also to Amal and Hajah for getting into Imperial.

Must be a good month with so much good things happening. Hope everything goes well for everyone. Take care...Cheers!

1st Study Week at IM

It's been one of the most tiring week for a while. This is only the first study week of the course. It's been both mentally and physically draining.

The week kicked off with PBL. Being the first for all of us, we were had pretty slow starts before we finally sort of got the hang of it. But as we dwell into the topic deeper, we became more pressured as we need to look up for detailed explanations of all those biological processes. Lots of new things to add to the A Levels Biological knowledge. Not forgetting the whole list of new terms to learn after the first week.

Lectures had been, as usual, not as interesting. But, at least we got to have different lecturers for different topics. That helps a bit. Didn't really manage to catch much from the lectures though.

Much more exciting were the workshops, language class and patient care sessions. They were all pretty interactive and more practical in the profession. Lots of fun involved, especially when we had the chance to act as doctors. Looking forward to these sessions again.

This week started off quite smoothly. Just recovered from being sick TWICE in the last two weeks. Really hope I can stay healthy so I can work full-blast for the course. Work load is getting heavier and pressure is building up as we are supposed to complete our PBL session for "Healthy Diet". Sounds easy, but with Health Sciences intertwinned into it, it isn't that simple after all. The number of thick anatomy and physiological books in our Base Rooms can already show how this simple topic "sunbursts" into various biological areas.

Although I know that a lot of hardwork is needed for this course, I feel happy studying it. It's my interest I guess. Getting the feeling of being motivated to search for more information about certain doubts is GOOD! Everything is too surreal now: me studying Bachelor of Health Science/Medicine. Not the path I planned, but close enough :o)

I just can't wait until our labcoats (with names embroidded on them) to come on Wednesday. And we'll get to wear them to our ward visit this Saturday. Really excited!!!

A lot of more research to do everyday. That's pretty much the routine for now. I'm also still settling in to the life here in Bandar. May not be a big change but still, needs some adjustments. Hope things get sorted out soon.

Cheers =]

...Orientation...

First day of orientation can never get more boring than this! Oh well, I can't expect too much from UBD as well. But it's fair enough to have a few redundant speeches and prayers. At least the tour around the university was quite useful, despite having to sweat so much.

Knowing me, I escaped the afternoon events, predicting that the boredom of listening to more speeches will be suicidal. Luckily, I managed to pull myself out during lunch hour and headed home.

I don't really know why I've been so tired and lethargic back in Brunei. I always blame the weather. That may be a fact though. Lol... Tomorrow is another day for the orientation week. I'm looking forward to it more as it's for the faculty itself. At least I'll get to meet my fellow coursemates and the teaching staffs too.

For the rest of the week, I'll just skip. I reckon it's more sensible for me to give myself a break and go back to lessons fresh next week. All those activities sounds irrelevant for me. I'll give myself more tennis, badminton, swimming, gym and relaxing time this week.

For now, I really miss the group back in Sydney. They're simply just different. And life back there is much more independent. Most probably, it's the culture and privacy there that I miss a lot too. But it's not like I have a choice. Too bad...

But on the positive side, at least I get to study something that I love. So, I'll most probably just use the university for it's IM, and nothing else. Perhaps, 3 years of sacrifice is worth it in the long term. Just hope that things go according to plan now.

It's going to be a busy week with everything to settle with...

Denial

Without realising, I have went through the phase of denial. Many people may also go through this but it is just good to realise those things at the end of the day.

I used to not believe that my passion and dreams are important. People have been telling me that a job is just about money, with a bit of interest. That, I have to agree. But then everybody's goal is different. For me, after going through all these, I realise that I have a goal to achieve. I know some may not understand this but it is a significant thing for me. I read a book "What colour is your parachute?" and it makes me think clear. The author says that one should paint an idealistic picture and try as much as possible to reach it, instead of painting just a realistic one, with excuses. One phrase also states that it is not only how much you can contribute to yourself, your family and community; but it is how much you can contribute to the world.

I've just been back to Brunei for almost a week...and I've been hearing a lot of comments for what I did. I expected a worst scenario before I returned. More so, I have just terminated my BSP scholarship 2 days ago. The news has reached many already I guess. But then, these few days here have been pleasing. Many people have given me different opinions, for all which I appreciate.

I'm honestly touched by some of my teachers and friends. They really have been there to support me since I knew them. What they say have been particularly encouraging, especially when I need so much confidence to go through this stage and start off well in Medicine. I really want to thank those who supported me through this and those who prayed for me. I feel really lucky to have all of you around me.

Yesterday, I received the letter of offer from UBD to do the twinning course: 3 years of Bachelor of Health Science and then, 3-4 years of MBBS. Glad to hear from them, but my status now is under "fee-paying". I'll be such a burden! Really hope that my hardwork would be paid off and appreciated. I'll wait for the sponsorship approval for now. With that, I would really strive on to pursue my dreams.

So far, things have been going quite smoothly. Maybe I'm just lucky. But I really hope more things will go well for me...

A BLAST in Brisbane!

Somehow, I thought that having 5 days in Brisbane would be a wild idea during my study break. However the next thing I knew, I was paying for my ticket at the STA Travels. Then off I flew to Brisbane. It's pretty exciting as it would be my first time in an internal flight. More so, I'm flying in an Australian airline: Virgin Blue.

The annoying part was waking up at 4a.m. to get ready for the trip. I took a taxi to the domestic airport. Then, I checked myself in just by scanning the bar code printed on my electronic ticket. Knowing that it would be a long day , I decided to take my first ever shot of Expresso. It really works! I couldn't sleep during my an hour and a half flight...and I didn't really feel sleepy at all on my first day in Brisbane.

Thanks Tina for picking me up from the airport. Really nice of her to see me at 8a.m. in the morning. After putting my stuffs at her place, she quickly brought me out to have Starbucks. We started catching up with a lot of things since we haven't seen each other for a few months already. We walked to the South Bank where the weekend market was happening and I also got to see what I called the "fake" beach.

The weekend market was really fun as I so happened to do something quite unexpected there. Oh well, it remains there... Got to meet up with Tina's Thai course mates. Really nice people; funny as well. I still can't believe Tina can speak Thai...and she's starting to be real good in it!

I had a nap after that, also to refreshen myself and get energised for clubbing on that night. We soon met up with Nizan and Farid. First, we hung out at Chill's, one very unique place. It had a cool, icy environment. The life music was real good too. Had a few drinks...What was cool? I had a shot of Absinth (also known as Green Fairy). My goodness! It was wicked!!! Imagine what 60% alcohol can do...It was really hot I had to swallow cold water to chill me down.

The next day saw me so "wasted" as well, in the Family. Very funny experience! But at least we were on track to go to Gold Coast on Monday. Tina, Farid and I took a train there and soon later, we reached the Surfers' Paradise. As I stepped onto the beach, the first thing I realised was how loose and smooth the sand was. So comforting that I just felt like lying down there and sleep in. We quickly found a spot and then just sun-bathed as we watched the waves lifting the surfers and washing the people in the water.

Feeling so excited, I went into the water too. It was cold! Imagine going to the beach in the winter...But, it's so much warmer in Queensland compared to Sydney though. The whole beach was really just so nice. It's so clean that when one stands in the water and watches the scenery, the beach really defines purity. I will surely want to come back here if given a chance.

Something funny happened on our way back to the city. I was asked for the fifth time in Australia whether I was a Korean. I sometimes wonder which part of me looks like a Korean. But it's just cool!

Well, I wasn't too tired that night. So, I decided to go to the casino. It's my first time in any casino. An eye-opener really! It's really interesting to see so many things there, especially the machines. Hundreds of them! Many kinds of people were there...it's really amazing how some of them could sit in there hours and hours to try their luck. I really enjoyed watching them play the card games and also the Roulette. So much money was on the table!

On the next day, I went to shop around the city. I guess Brisbane has a very different lifestyle from Sydney. It's more laid back here in Brisbane. Without really realising, I soon found myself very near the Museum of Brisbane. It is free to enter. So I decided to go there to take a look. There was an amazing collection of Buddha. I really didn't expected so much Asian influence was on display inside the museum. I was particularly attracted to the video clips, showing how some people were so passionate in what they do in their life. Some things may mean nothing to some people, but to some others, they mean everything.

The thing I was supposed to do on my last day of my stay in Brisbane was to play tennis. But too bad it rained... So, I went to meet up with Nizan and she showed me around UQ. It's a really nice place to study. It has really such a different concept from UNSW. It somehow looks bigger and the buildings are those made of sandstones. It looks very conducive to study in.

Well, too bad I had to end my trip after 5 days. I wanted to stay longer, but exams were so near. I also need to study...to at least get through the session as a satisfaction of completion. Back I was in Sydney on Wednesday night, hoping to be psyched for the exams.

My teenage feel in tennis

Tennis was really life to me for most of my teenage life. I suppose everyone who played this sport since young would have ever dreamed, or even thought, of becoming a tennis professional, or at least representing their country. It is this immense satisfaction that you get from hitting a perfect shot at that sweet spot that makes it so addictive. There is a need to play every single day to get the endorphin level rocketing high.

Winning a game, a match or a tournament is a whole different thing. It is rather the effort that you put into training that really matters. The whole experience since starting tennis at the age of 12 has been really a major part of who I am today. Tennis, without realising it, moulded me and put in the personalities that came along with myself. It sounds really cynical, but then, here it is: the power of tennis.

My life has totally changed since I picked up my Wilson junior tennis racket, my first of the only two types of racket I have ever possessed. Both Wilson of course. I started putting real effort into tennis when I could hit the ball the way I wanted. Initially, I cannot deny that it got really annoying when I kept missing shots. Persevere...and soon later, with greater self-determination, I constantly tried to better myself.

It has then verged into what some people say, an obssession. This might sound quite extreme, but one has to experience the withdrawal effects of not playing for a single day, before judging this statement. There is a need to play, as everyday is different after all. Like education, it's a never-ending learning process. It's really a matter of how much practice one gets to be a good player. Of course, I really wanted so much to master my strokes.

Sadly speaking, I didn't get to be as good as I wished I was. I only got to a stage where I could represent Brunei in 2 Borneo Games (Sarawak and Sabah) and a few ITF tournaments. Even so, I didn't reach that far after all. It is true that there were local tournaments which I ever won. I really enjoy the satisfaction of all the experiences and the trophies I brought home.

Thinking back, there was also this point when I was really thinking about not studying so much, but going into a tennis school somewhere. But now, I reckoned that it was that sudden burst that made me think that way. It was really persisting in my head that tennis is the thing to do. Luckily, I was realistic enough to know what my priorities are. After watching the movie Coach Carter, I could somehow relate my experience to it. It is really worth watching, more so it is such an inspirational film.

I know many out there had or are facing the strong and deep feeling of playing tennis for life. I cannot deny that some may even feel a greater impact than me. I really understand how it feels. It is a sad fact that it is simply too hard to make a living out of their passion in tennis. Not many can make it. But to those who still can, continue struggling for it! So, the issue of overrating or overpaying tennis players is not that contraversial after all.

Coach Carter sends out a clear, pragmatic message: make education the priority and sports are really just co-curricular activities. It is realistically the right thing to do actually. Like basketball, it doesn't just take talents to play tennis. It takes more than talents. Even hard work alone is not enough to put one into the real tennis world.

Richard Williams has actually taken a similar approach in developing the Williams sisters: they had to score A grades to be able to even train. This is something to learn. Venus and Serena are currently pursuing their degree at the same time. This is not a discouragement to those who are fighting hard to play tennis. Instead, it is somehow a wake-up call: one needs to achieve a certain requirement or even sacrifice some things to play tennis. For me that time, it was sacrificing my sleeping and some of my socialising times, so that I was able to play as much tennis as I wanted, and yet maintained my grades in school. Not easy at all!

Having said that, I gained a lot from the whole experience. I call it "learning it the hard way". Yes...I wasn't able to break through into the battleground of tennis. But I have certainly became a fighter and believer through the game. I have stayed motivated and know my goals in life.

Before ending, here's a quote from the movie to ponder upon:

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

(a quote from Marianne Williamson)

Difficult experience...soul-searching!

Over the past few months, I have been quiet. It's not that I was having mood swings or was being uncomfortable with the new environment. In actual fact, I really love it here in Sydney. It's a lovely place; filled with many kinds of people of various cultures and certainly, more freedom of expression and also independence. However, I was quiet because I was thinking too hard, too deeply...

Over and over again, I reminded myself that I have made up my mind in January and decided firmly to come over here. And hence, I should hold on to this and graduate as a Petroleum Engineer. This has been constantly working positively for the first two months, when I was still busy settling in and there wasn't much free time to think too much in my daily routine.

I felt that I was starting to lose motivation and drive. I would be so lazy to wake up in the morning to attend lectures. I didn't even care too much of how I was performing in assignments and tests. Though I did well, it didn't make me too excited. Same goes when I did badly, it didn't really bother me. I was so surprised and at the same time disappointed with myself because this is not who I really am.

Maybe I am overdramatic. But then there was this moment which really hit me deep. It was then that I started to think more of my future. Initially, I thought it was just me being homesick, and missing everybody and everything else back at home. So I started to remain silent and keep things to myself. I thought, "Hmmm...time can heal this feeling of sadness and get me all motivated again."

But then, I very soon realised it wasn't that after all because I was settling in very well indeed. It's just that the thought of "I want to study Medicine" kept coming up all the time. It just kept playing my mind, especially when I was in PTRL lectures, and also each time I walked pass the Faculty of Medicine and the hospital near my apartment. Even meeting a doctor or even a medical student got me, in a sense, jealous. The idea of "I could have been one of them" really made my mind start pondering hard whether I was on the right track in life.

Soon later, I was undergoing this phase of depression. No one could possibly imagine how hard it was. I was keeping more silent as I woundn't want anyone to get too worried over me. I am always the happy-go-lucky person...and I want people around me to feel that. But the feeling of misery took over me. That was when I started drinking (not to the verge of alcoholism though); just to relax and chill out with friends. At least, it let my mind off the non-stopping thoughts. It did it's job by making me sleep better and forget things for a while.

Many people may certainly wonder why I shouldn't continue pursuing this degree since I am on such a pretigious scholarship, in which I am already independent in terms of financial needs. More so, with a high position job waiting for me at the end of 4 years...which has very positive prospects. But not many know me well enough inside, of what I really want out of life. I wouldn't blame them, as I myself was uncertain in making what I thought was a "firm" decision earlier on.

After coming to Australia, I had a lot of time to myself, where I can do honest soul-searching. I have realised that I was too overwhelmed by the value of such a pretigious scholarship (more so when I could reduce my parents' burden) and certainly the chance of studying overseas. It was too good an opportunity. Moreover, I have personally, without realising it, blown off my chance of studying Medicine earlier on. Pursuing Medicine on my own would be too taxing. Moreover, engineering is a good field after all in the country.

I was thinking a lot that I started talking to my professor. He was really open to me...sharing his highlights and lowlights as a Petroleum Engineer. No doubt, I respect anyone's opinions. In actual fact, I love listening to people's life experiences. I always tend to personalise them and pick out what I can learn from them. After an hour talking to him, I felt more relieved as he was treating me like his friend, or even grandson.

He recommended that I should have a session with the university's counsellor, as they are more professional in dealing with students' problems. I followed his advice and quickly went to book a slot for myself. It was really amazing talking to the counsellor. He was asking me the right questions and was making me say a lot of things. He started opening me up and left me questions to think about and also tasks to carry out. So I would need to report to him in the next session of any progress. Later did I know he is a qualified psychologist! Cool...

With a more settled mind then, I started talking to my family and also my uncle, telling how I was feeling about the course. Not so much about the course which worries me though. I mean I could try working really hard to pass it, but it was more of the lifetime job which gets me thinking. My uncle, like many do, speaked professionally and gave very open-ended opinions. I know I am supposed to make my own decisions because I am the person who best knows myself. They gave me the support that I should choose something I am happy with.

Very quickly, I went for an interview for the newly introduced Medicine programme in UBD. There were a lot of mind conflicts before, in myself. The thought of studying in UBD itself has never occured to me. But I guess Australia allowed me to think from many different angles. UBD is not that bad after all. I really think that I should start thinking more maturely and making sensible decisions for myself, in the long term.

It is my chance to pursue Medicine: my passion and my chilhood ambition. I mean studying Medicine has always been my mindset. It was my inspiration, motivation and drive to achieve what I've done and pushed me to score academically. There were even personal sacrifices because I always put Medicine as the priority in my life. It's just making my life quite meaningless if I can't be a doctor.

I cannot blame people who asked or will ask me, "Why even bothered to open up to Engineering in the first place?". That is a long, complicated question which only people who know me well enough understands. Shortly speaking, life is not that simple!

Now, I am eagerly waiting for the results to be announced. My only hope to study Medicine solely depends on those people to decide. I hope they'll start treating me like a human, with a heart to follow. I wouldn't want to be treated like the object again. The experience of being treated like an object last time really made me lose value in what I really am to myself. Not many will understand this feeling.

Hope things can go well for me. I am certain of what I really want from life after all the experiences. Living in Australia has really changed the way I think. It doesn't really matter what people think of me now. What matters now is that I have to choose something I see happiness in. Quote "It's not easy to make everyone happy everytime".

I shall end here this time. There are many more things happening, before, now and soon... I'll try my best to blog.

To anyone reading this, thank you for hearing out my experience. Tell me what you think if you feel like it. And to those who helped me through this (you know who you are), I can't thank you enough. Take care...Cheers...

jOn