Difficult experience...soul-searching!

Over the past few months, I have been quiet. It's not that I was having mood swings or was being uncomfortable with the new environment. In actual fact, I really love it here in Sydney. It's a lovely place; filled with many kinds of people of various cultures and certainly, more freedom of expression and also independence. However, I was quiet because I was thinking too hard, too deeply...

Over and over again, I reminded myself that I have made up my mind in January and decided firmly to come over here. And hence, I should hold on to this and graduate as a Petroleum Engineer. This has been constantly working positively for the first two months, when I was still busy settling in and there wasn't much free time to think too much in my daily routine.

I felt that I was starting to lose motivation and drive. I would be so lazy to wake up in the morning to attend lectures. I didn't even care too much of how I was performing in assignments and tests. Though I did well, it didn't make me too excited. Same goes when I did badly, it didn't really bother me. I was so surprised and at the same time disappointed with myself because this is not who I really am.

Maybe I am overdramatic. But then there was this moment which really hit me deep. It was then that I started to think more of my future. Initially, I thought it was just me being homesick, and missing everybody and everything else back at home. So I started to remain silent and keep things to myself. I thought, "Hmmm...time can heal this feeling of sadness and get me all motivated again."

But then, I very soon realised it wasn't that after all because I was settling in very well indeed. It's just that the thought of "I want to study Medicine" kept coming up all the time. It just kept playing my mind, especially when I was in PTRL lectures, and also each time I walked pass the Faculty of Medicine and the hospital near my apartment. Even meeting a doctor or even a medical student got me, in a sense, jealous. The idea of "I could have been one of them" really made my mind start pondering hard whether I was on the right track in life.

Soon later, I was undergoing this phase of depression. No one could possibly imagine how hard it was. I was keeping more silent as I woundn't want anyone to get too worried over me. I am always the happy-go-lucky person...and I want people around me to feel that. But the feeling of misery took over me. That was when I started drinking (not to the verge of alcoholism though); just to relax and chill out with friends. At least, it let my mind off the non-stopping thoughts. It did it's job by making me sleep better and forget things for a while.

Many people may certainly wonder why I shouldn't continue pursuing this degree since I am on such a pretigious scholarship, in which I am already independent in terms of financial needs. More so, with a high position job waiting for me at the end of 4 years...which has very positive prospects. But not many know me well enough inside, of what I really want out of life. I wouldn't blame them, as I myself was uncertain in making what I thought was a "firm" decision earlier on.

After coming to Australia, I had a lot of time to myself, where I can do honest soul-searching. I have realised that I was too overwhelmed by the value of such a pretigious scholarship (more so when I could reduce my parents' burden) and certainly the chance of studying overseas. It was too good an opportunity. Moreover, I have personally, without realising it, blown off my chance of studying Medicine earlier on. Pursuing Medicine on my own would be too taxing. Moreover, engineering is a good field after all in the country.

I was thinking a lot that I started talking to my professor. He was really open to me...sharing his highlights and lowlights as a Petroleum Engineer. No doubt, I respect anyone's opinions. In actual fact, I love listening to people's life experiences. I always tend to personalise them and pick out what I can learn from them. After an hour talking to him, I felt more relieved as he was treating me like his friend, or even grandson.

He recommended that I should have a session with the university's counsellor, as they are more professional in dealing with students' problems. I followed his advice and quickly went to book a slot for myself. It was really amazing talking to the counsellor. He was asking me the right questions and was making me say a lot of things. He started opening me up and left me questions to think about and also tasks to carry out. So I would need to report to him in the next session of any progress. Later did I know he is a qualified psychologist! Cool...

With a more settled mind then, I started talking to my family and also my uncle, telling how I was feeling about the course. Not so much about the course which worries me though. I mean I could try working really hard to pass it, but it was more of the lifetime job which gets me thinking. My uncle, like many do, speaked professionally and gave very open-ended opinions. I know I am supposed to make my own decisions because I am the person who best knows myself. They gave me the support that I should choose something I am happy with.

Very quickly, I went for an interview for the newly introduced Medicine programme in UBD. There were a lot of mind conflicts before, in myself. The thought of studying in UBD itself has never occured to me. But I guess Australia allowed me to think from many different angles. UBD is not that bad after all. I really think that I should start thinking more maturely and making sensible decisions for myself, in the long term.

It is my chance to pursue Medicine: my passion and my chilhood ambition. I mean studying Medicine has always been my mindset. It was my inspiration, motivation and drive to achieve what I've done and pushed me to score academically. There were even personal sacrifices because I always put Medicine as the priority in my life. It's just making my life quite meaningless if I can't be a doctor.

I cannot blame people who asked or will ask me, "Why even bothered to open up to Engineering in the first place?". That is a long, complicated question which only people who know me well enough understands. Shortly speaking, life is not that simple!

Now, I am eagerly waiting for the results to be announced. My only hope to study Medicine solely depends on those people to decide. I hope they'll start treating me like a human, with a heart to follow. I wouldn't want to be treated like the object again. The experience of being treated like an object last time really made me lose value in what I really am to myself. Not many will understand this feeling.

Hope things can go well for me. I am certain of what I really want from life after all the experiences. Living in Australia has really changed the way I think. It doesn't really matter what people think of me now. What matters now is that I have to choose something I see happiness in. Quote "It's not easy to make everyone happy everytime".

I shall end here this time. There are many more things happening, before, now and soon... I'll try my best to blog.

To anyone reading this, thank you for hearing out my experience. Tell me what you think if you feel like it. And to those who helped me through this (you know who you are), I can't thank you enough. Take care...Cheers...

jOn